Diary of an Out-of-work Teacher

I constantly worry.

I worry about finances and getting a job, and then I worry about random other concerns in my life. Job hunting and money is constantly on my plate however, so when people ask me on a daily basis how I'm doing I start feeling pretty bad about being so repetitive. I actually feel guilty that these people ask me the same question and all I want to do is give them the same answer.

I feel like their thinking or saying with their tone, "Oh the same thing? You're still thinking about this? Why are you causing others worry for you over the same thing day after day?" This makes it even worse when I desperately need to talk to people about these concerns and they are just tired of it. The strange thing is... I really haven't talked to people about this. I have mentioned that it's a concern, but to no great detail have I gone over this subject. And I really need to. I really need to say that yes, I've had savings, but it's going to be done with in a couple of months and this isn't exactly the lucrative season, even for long-term subs. I want to express how I'm going to part-time jobs to seek out more revenue without getting the well you should do that attitude or similar when I just want to express my own feelings.

That's the thing about money.. People seem to have so much of their own feelings invested into the concept of money that when it comes to other's need to relay their concerns, well, it's clouded over by our own concerns. It's like emotion, once there is even the slightest hint, then that part of our brain is activated and the rest becomes way cloudier. And I know I do it. As soon as anyone around me mentions being low on money or looking for a job, whether I say it or think it, I go off into several tangents of what I need in my job life, of my money problems, where am I getting rent/bill money, and whatever possible solution I can come up with at the time for my problems.

A good deal of thought goes into whatever little I mention about money. So if you think I talk a lot?! Trust me, it's way worse in my head.

Job hunting is not my forte. In fact I feel like the biggest loser. I can’t find a teaching job, I feel like if I did I would fail terribly at this, and I’m rapidly losing money due to an over abundance of impulse shopping (I think depression has something to do with one or all of these).

Right now we are living in a world that makes it feel impossible to tread water. The rich are rich but the poor and middle class are just getting poorer. Politicians are either intentionally or ignorantly helping the rich while stepping on the poor.

All I want is a job. I want to teach children, help them grow new ideas and new perspectives, and see that they are given at least one very positive experience in their lifetime. Really I don’t think I’m asking for much here. I don’t expect security. Due to overwhelming greed and envy I don’t see this being feasible even for teachers in the future. I don’t really even expect to retire early. See reasons above, plus I really don’t see me wanting to leave too early.

There’s a lot to go into with this subject. I figure the best way to handle looking at how it feels to be an out of work teacher is to see how things go day to day. How I feel and see the world on a daily basis. This won’t always be pleasant or interesting but lets see where it goes... It might help you or someone you know on their journey... Hopefully it helps me in some way.


-----
Today I had to go to one of the schools I sub at for a sexual harassment/bullying seminar. This is a state law now that we have to do this. Of course I've done this before, but the certificate ended up going to the woman I was subbing for so... yeah, I was irritated.

The seminar itself was rather boring and, all except for the rather disturbing words of a woman excited to be able to speak and think the way others do, uneventful. The way the place made me feel though.. that was intense. The last time I was there was during my student teaching days. The feeling of hope and excitement I felt during that time rushed over me. Followed quickly by a rush of immense despair at the idea that I still have no job or hope of one (ok, that's taking it a little far possibly, but that's how I feel).

I swept the crowd a few times wondering if I was going to see someone familiar. I almost mistook another lady for the teacher who worked with me during my student teaching. What a horrible woman she could be. I don't know what I would have done if I had seen her or anyone else I knew. Would I have hid? Would I have just gone up and said hi like all was hunky dory? In the end I didn't have to make any decision. It looked like all that was there were sub's and high school teachers.

Oh, I'm an elementary teacher in case I forgot to mention.

Trying to be one at least.

I really thought after having a long-term position last year for a maternity leave, and doing a good job, that I would at least have another long-term this year... Never depend on that I suppose.


----
It's felt like nothings happened for weeks in the teaching market, but all the sudden after the seminar today I get a call from a teacher friend from my old district asking if I could sub for her tomorrow.

This inspired so many butterflies in my stomach. I want, I need to work, but at the same time I had things to do tomorrow in order to get more work, and, and... well dammit, I am just plain scared. I can make any excuse I want, but I'm scared to walk into a classroom right now and fumble over myself. I'm scared that I won't know what to do and how to do it and will royally screw something up. This is one of those results of not working (so people tell me). Lack of work causes one to doubt their own abilities, to lose confidence.

What did I do in the real world? I said yes I can.

Then we tried to coordinate on the website. This website is of the first come first serve philosophy, so no matter how much you want someone to sub for you or how much someone wants to sub, if you're too slow you're just out of luck. Well, I was rather confident until it popped up, then I fumbled just a bit, just in time to lose the job. I'm still kicking myself. This is one of those few opportunities at the beginning of the year and I screw it up. Probably because of some sort of self-sabotage. I don't have a therapist (like I could afford one), but it sounds like something she would suggest.



----
Right now I'm buzzing with irritation at myself, concerns over money, thoughts of work, and wondering what the hell I'm going to do with myself. I try not to get drudged into this thought process too often.. it tends to just make me really depressed. After a day like today I just can't drag myself out of the circles I'm running in my brain. I feel like I'm chasing a ball down an endless hill and just not making any progress.

I need a nap.----